Part: 2 – Am I Mental or is it just the Hormones – more emotions, well-being, social expectations, fitness, diet, jobs and where I fit in all this

Woooooooaa, what a mouthful.

I have been on holidays for the past few weeks and have had a hard time getting to a PC with a net connection. So now I feel the need to catch you all up on Part 2 of “Am I Mental or is it just the Hormones”

I am back at home now with my beautiful new Mac, which for some of you was an open ended question that I neglected to answer becuase of my lack of iPhone Skill, you know you would think that me being all techy and all that I would be up with all this new technology but to tell you the truth I cant get use to the whole touch screen thing I feel like I have fat fingers sometimes but I really don’t talk about giving a girl a complex Thanks Apple…. No really I love you, it is probably just my iPhones general disregard for my Twitter addiction and the Echofon app making life difficult.

Anywho enough rambling, this post will continue on from my last and furthermore add to the general mental state and well-being of an early twenties transsexual.

What I like romantic stuff now…I know right when did that happen…

Beats me but all I know is that the old days of Die Hard and Rocky have been replaced by the dashing looks of Hugh Grant and touching love stories like The Notebook. What is happening to me, am I lost somewhere in this body just hoping to break out in a fit of rage with Inglourious Basterds playing on the telly or is this the real me finally busting onto the stage I mean I always liked love stories and romantic comedies but maybe once or twice a year not every weekend. Last night I was watching ZombieLand with some friends at the Moonlight Cinema and when one of the main characters found himself talking about his son that he lost I found tears running down my face – “hmmm” I thought to myself “WTF when did this happen”.

And thinking further into this today I realised that my taste in films and books have changed, I suddenly started hiring romantic novels from the library and finding myself snuggled up on the couch on a rainy Sunday afternoon with a tub of chocolate ice cream and a box of tissues. I am more of a girl than even I knew it got me wondering how much I will annoy prospective boyfriends with my tastes at the local Blockbuster.

It will never cease to amaze me how much more in touch with my emotions I am now, from just the little things like having a conversation with a friend about something going on with them I find myself feeling the similar emotions to them as they explain there story, all I know is a cry at the drop of a hat.

It is interesting as well that I find myself easily stressed out and my mood can change from happy to completely distraught about something small or trivial in seconds, I remember thinking how crazy my sisters were when I was younger because they would go from nothing to mental in no time at all but I am starting to see this come out in my own persona now.

Being a Lady I do like to indulge in the finer things in life like long bathes in scented oils, massages and chocolate (okay that last one isn’t really well-being but hey). It is surprising however how many other things come with being a women that isn’t a problem for men, such as regular breast checks but not only are the physical changes important but the need to meet certain social expectations too. Just little things like having hairless legs and underarms was very new for me and I realised very quickly that in an Australian summer this is a requirement and not an option. Now as much as the waxing of legs and underarms is quite painful it is something that I must say after the fact I do like and find very sexy and there is nothing quite like putting on my favourite corset from LA, tight jeans and heading out on the town with friends as much as I transitioned for myself I do love the looks that guys give me when I get all dressed up on the town

This is the one might get a photo of me in it in the next couple of weeks

If anyone lives near hollwood and wants to buy me some clothes from Kitson’s or Frederick’s or for that matter Hollister Co. you would make this girl a very happy not to mention sexy. Anywho I have got side tracked where was I oh yeah social expectations….

Well I cant say that I have any real issues with the way women are expected to dress and present I happen to like felling sexy and getting the gazes of men it is really a bonus for a girl in my position who try extremely hard to fit in and pass, and the looks that you get from other women when you enter a bar and, your girls and you get a bit of attention is priceless.

My housemate has been invaluble in that sense she has helped me find a style and look that works for me all be it a very expensive style but she has definitely taught me the ropes like the cleavage OR legs rule and how fashion and looking sexy knows no pain. Thanks for that one ouch :~

I have for about 9 months now been a vegetarian not because I’m am trying to save the animals thing I still think that meat tastes awesome but because it is good for my health besides I still eat fish and have been known to on occasion be weak or forget lol like last weekend when my sister made bacon and eggs and I got stuck into the bacon until my sister said “aren’t you a vego” my reaction “OH Shit, f#*! damn it, oh but it taste so good” stupid sister pointing out my mistake man it tasted good. Apart from my Vego-ness I am also very cautious of drinking soft drink and eating lots of junk except chocolate LOL.

I have also taken up Yoga and Pilates as a way to stay fit without gaining muscle as well as toning up my legs and tummy. Plus the real beauty of Pilates is that it tones the body in a very feminine way. and that’s what we are after.

As for Jobs I guess this is a easy one for me because I am self employed but for other this is a very difficult thing unfortunately laws are sparse on what can and cant happen at a workplace regarding trans-people. For me there hasn’t been to many issues I have lost one or two clients total because of my transition and also had a few difficult months to with staff based on me coming out at work which I thought I should really do so that it was open and not a taboo subject. I have had more issues with getting my passport, name and licence changed to be honest. That was about 6 months of hell and I wouldn’t recommend the South Australian system to anyone, they were very narrow minded and need proof for everything like the girl standing in front of them claiming to be the guy in all the documents wasn’t enough. They wanted psychiatrist letters and proof that I had been living as a women for more than a year and this wasn’t even trying to change my gender on my passport and licence this was just the name. I am about to go through that process now, not looking forward to it.

It’s not hard for me to see where I fit in this world now, if you had asked me 3 years or more ago I wouldn’t have been able to answer you I was a confused girl stuck in a predominately male body felling very lost, I wasn’t sure that the place I am now was going to be any better and my support network of doctors at the time made it harder by giving open questions about the possibility that I might be gay or just different and being a girl would change anything. Well I am glad now I have come this far because if I hadn’t and I had listened to the psychiatrist I had at the time I know I wouldn’t have been as happy as I am now. I was unfortunately stuck in a position back then where I was scared to come out to everyone becuase I thought they wouldn’t understand for some that was true and others it wasn’t it was an eye opener though, it showed me who my real friends are and who were only interested when I fitted there closed minded mould.

I find that every day that goes by it gets easier for me to find my place, my family now excepts me for who I am now with the exception of my mum I know that she is okay with it but she is still struggling to let go of the old me. Just in the last couple of weeks we were at the beach with my sister, niece and parents. When I came took off my top and shorts with a bikini on underneath my mum went it a bit funny, she kind of gasped, it shocked me a little and I wasn’t sure what to say or do so I just ran for the water were my sister and niece joined me shortly after. My sister told me then that it is the first time she has seen me that naked since I started transition. I confronted mum when we were alone later in the afternoon, she apologised and said “I reminded her of my sisters when they were about 20 and she wasn’t expecting it” after quite a few tears and hugs she finally said “You are truly a young lady now I guess it’s time for me to except it” that meant a lot to me because it was the first time mum had said something positive about me since I began hormones. I have been thinking and it was probably quite a shock to her she doesn’t read my blog and she hasn’t seen a lot of me in the past few years because of my job and travels.

I find the different reactions to coming out as transsexual very interesting

My oldest Sister who didn’t believe me for the first year or so but eventually came round to it and is now great. To my other Sister who I told over Skype why I was in Los Angeles she was quite funny all she said was “Are you Sure” a few times and then she said “Okay if this is what you want your my little sis” that was nice and weird to hear, I mean my sister and I have always been the closest in the whole family but I didn’t expect that reaction or for it to be that easy she use to dress me up in her clothes when I was little and we always had a great time but I was about 5 yrs old at that stage, she was the first in the family I told and to hear her refer to me with the female pronoun was so new but made me feel at peace.

I told my Dad second on the way home from the airport on Christmas eve he loves his coffee and as a result he suggested that we stop for a coffee on the way home, pretty much as soon as we sat down at the table I just blurted I couldn’t handle keeping it to myself any more he was fantastic he asked a lot of questions and we were about 2 hours late home because of it but he got all his questions answered and I got the chance to really talk about how I have felt for so long. I really didn’t expect him to take to it so well but he was very cool. Dad and I have always been very close but I wasn’t sure about this one. He made me promise not to tell mum until after Christmas which I agreed which looking back that was probably quite a smart move, Mum didn’t take it as well as Dad it took her about 8 months to get use to the idea that she had no choice she bargained with me and sent me emails telling me that she did approve and I wasn’t the person she thought I was. She even asked my Psychiatrists to refuse me any more treatment which he didn’t do, after 8 long months of talking, lots of cry again LOL and my Dad working on her from his end she finally excepted she couldn’t change my mind and tried to get use to me being her third daughter. I sent her hundreds of emails and postcards when I went overseas again and she replied to almost all of them which made it much easier when I came back from working in South America. although again the way I looked was a bit of a shock to her.

My brother was completely different he kind of freaked out he called me all sorts of names and then didn’t talk to me for almost 6 months he was the last person I told in my family almost a 1 and half after the others because I knew he wouldn’t take it well and I also don’t get on that great with him, I mean the whole family has trouble with him.

I fell lucky to have such an excepting family, I don’t want it to come across as an easy journey to where I am now because that couldn’t be further from the truth, but having excellent support like my Sister and Dad really does help, my house mate and some of my friends have been fantastic too and I really couldn’t have got though it as level headed and with a fairly normal girls lifestyle without them.

Need hints on coming out let me know!

How did your family React? Did you have a hard time or was it smooth sailing?