Holidays, Holdays, Holidays, Hell, Holidays…. WTF

As some of you may know I have just returned from holidays, that’s right holidays the first of many to come hopefully. In the past with owning my own business and all I have found it quite difficult to find time for myself.

But now with the big move coming up and the extraordinary amount of time I have seemed to come up with lately I finally had a chance to travel. Partly on my own, some with family and other times with friends. I went from Adelaide to Melbourne by plane where I stayed and traveled Victoria a little for a week and also had the chance to catch up with my sister who lives there before my parents turned up and we all went to Queensland together, that was a blast got to go to all the theme parks and do lots of relaxing which I have become quite good at now, had minor fight slash conversation with my mother over bathers, my body and what she wasn’t prepared for which you can read about in my last post if you haven’t already.

Then up to Noosa to meet up with my friends for the rest of the trip, or so I thought.

A few days after catching up with them one of them got some bad news about her Dad passing away and she had to fly back to Adelaide, and she took her boyfriend and one of the other with her leaving me and Sophie who didn’t really know each other that well seeing as we had only met once before this trip alone. We got to know each other very well over the next few days as we had massages and facials, and did lots and lots of sunbathing which gave me a wicked tan and just generally enjoyed ourselves. On the 10th day in Noosa I decided to tell Sophie that I was trans I figured if she hadn’t already be told by the others or guessed for herself then I might as well let the cat out of the bag.

Well that night we were at a restaurant called Bistro C in Noosa Heads when I decided that it was time to tell, at first she took it okay open mouth style a little shocked but good I thought. Everything was going great she didn’t believe me at first and had an onslaught of questions for me to answer which I obliged but then the questions started to turn towards our mutual friends and how upset she was that they hadn’t told her that she was on holiday with a “Tranny” as she put. which I didn’t like and told her. this went on for quite sometime before we decided to call it a night, with a short Taxi back to the hotel which was good because the awkwardness wasn’t easy and the cab driver kept on hitting on Sophie and I which was just making things worse. Well the next morning Sophie decided that she wanted to go home and that she needed to talk to Bec and Dekota our other friends about their betrayal which was hard words for me to hear but all the same I wasn’t looking forward to the conversations that would arise from her talks with them. I decided that I would stay the next few nights because I needed the escape and relaxation.

When I got back to Adelaide Bec, Dakota, Sophie and I all went out for drinks at Fumo Blue’s to discuss what had transpired in Noosa, before Sophie arrived I had a chance to talk to Bec about how she was doing with the loss of her dad and all and what she made of everything that happened with me and Sophie in Nossa, regarding Sophie and I she said that Sophie over reacted and was just a little weired out about it all, she said that Sophie had assumed that I was more of a predator using this disguise as a women to lure unsuspecting women. I actually laughed at that the thought of me doing that number one was hilarious but then the thought of anyone going to this much trouble just to trick unsuspecting people was so far beyond anything that I had come across before that it had me in tears of laughter, Sophie arrived and apologized to me and said that she hoped we could still be friends because she had, had a great time up until our dinner together, she also said that she would understand if I didn’t want to know her. I said that I would need a chance to sit down with her alone and really answer any questions that she had but that I would like it if we could mend those bridges and get on with being friends.

My main thoughts were if I get the chance to really nut out her fears or problems that she had with me in Noosa it might help her adapt and she me as just another one of the girls, I am also hoping that it will give me a chance to dispel any of the myths that she may have and give her the right catch phrases to refer to Transsexual women with.

Well I am meeting with her on Tuesday next week so I will let you know how it goes, if anyone has advice on what I should bring up let me know or even if you just want to write me a comment coz you like me LOL

Loves Ya

-Vi

Part: 2 – Am I Mental or is it just the Hormones – more emotions, well-being, social expectations, fitness, diet, jobs and where I fit in all this

Woooooooaa, what a mouthful.

I have been on holidays for the past few weeks and have had a hard time getting to a PC with a net connection. So now I feel the need to catch you all up on Part 2 of “Am I Mental or is it just the Hormones”

I am back at home now with my beautiful new Mac, which for some of you was an open ended question that I neglected to answer becuase of my lack of iPhone Skill, you know you would think that me being all techy and all that I would be up with all this new technology but to tell you the truth I cant get use to the whole touch screen thing I feel like I have fat fingers sometimes but I really don’t talk about giving a girl a complex Thanks Apple…. No really I love you, it is probably just my iPhones general disregard for my Twitter addiction and the Echofon app making life difficult.

Anywho enough rambling, this post will continue on from my last and furthermore add to the general mental state and well-being of an early twenties transsexual.

What I like romantic stuff now…I know right when did that happen…

Beats me but all I know is that the old days of Die Hard and Rocky have been replaced by the dashing looks of Hugh Grant and touching love stories like The Notebook. What is happening to me, am I lost somewhere in this body just hoping to break out in a fit of rage with Inglourious Basterds playing on the telly or is this the real me finally busting onto the stage I mean I always liked love stories and romantic comedies but maybe once or twice a year not every weekend. Last night I was watching ZombieLand with some friends at the Moonlight Cinema and when one of the main characters found himself talking about his son that he lost I found tears running down my face – “hmmm” I thought to myself “WTF when did this happen”.

And thinking further into this today I realised that my taste in films and books have changed, I suddenly started hiring romantic novels from the library and finding myself snuggled up on the couch on a rainy Sunday afternoon with a tub of chocolate ice cream and a box of tissues. I am more of a girl than even I knew it got me wondering how much I will annoy prospective boyfriends with my tastes at the local Blockbuster.

It will never cease to amaze me how much more in touch with my emotions I am now, from just the little things like having a conversation with a friend about something going on with them I find myself feeling the similar emotions to them as they explain there story, all I know is a cry at the drop of a hat.

It is interesting as well that I find myself easily stressed out and my mood can change from happy to completely distraught about something small or trivial in seconds, I remember thinking how crazy my sisters were when I was younger because they would go from nothing to mental in no time at all but I am starting to see this come out in my own persona now.

Being a Lady I do like to indulge in the finer things in life like long bathes in scented oils, massages and chocolate (okay that last one isn’t really well-being but hey). It is surprising however how many other things come with being a women that isn’t a problem for men, such as regular breast checks but not only are the physical changes important but the need to meet certain social expectations too. Just little things like having hairless legs and underarms was very new for me and I realised very quickly that in an Australian summer this is a requirement and not an option. Now as much as the waxing of legs and underarms is quite painful it is something that I must say after the fact I do like and find very sexy and there is nothing quite like putting on my favourite corset from LA, tight jeans and heading out on the town with friends as much as I transitioned for myself I do love the looks that guys give me when I get all dressed up on the town

If anyone lives near hollwood and wants to buy me some clothes from Kitson’s or Frederick’s or for that matter Hollister Co. you would make this girl a very happy not to mention sexy. Anywho I have got side tracked where was I oh yeah social expectations….

Well I cant say that I have any real issues with the way women are expected to dress and present I happen to like felling sexy and getting the gazes of men it is really a bonus for a girl in my position who try extremely hard to fit in and pass, and the looks that you get from other women when you enter a bar and, your girls and you get a bit of attention is priceless.

My housemate has been invaluble in that sense she has helped me find a style and look that works for me all be it a very expensive style but she has definitely taught me the ropes like the cleavage OR legs rule and how fashion and looking sexy knows no pain. Thanks for that one ouch :~

I have for about 9 months now been a vegetarian not because I’m am trying to save the animals thing I still think that meat tastes awesome but because it is good for my health besides I still eat fish and have been known to on occasion be weak or forget lol like last weekend when my sister made bacon and eggs and I got stuck into the bacon until my sister said “aren’t you a vego” my reaction “OH Shit, f#*! damn it, oh but it taste so good” stupid sister pointing out my mistake man it tasted good. Apart from my Vego-ness I am also very cautious of drinking soft drink and eating lots of junk except chocolate LOL.

I have also taken up Yoga and Pilates as a way to stay fit without gaining muscle as well as toning up my legs and tummy. Plus the real beauty of Pilates is that it tones the body in a very feminine way. and that’s what we are after.

As for Jobs I guess this is a easy one for me because I am self employed but for other this is a very difficult thing unfortunately laws are sparse on what can and cant happen at a workplace regarding trans-people. For me there hasn’t been to many issues I have lost one or two clients total because of my transition and also had a few difficult months to with staff based on me

Part: 1 – Am I Mental or is it just the Hormones – emotions, sex drive, sexual preference and mental state

Hiya everyone,

Over the past few nights I have had the chance to talk to a few of my friends, after our catch ups I realised that a huge amount of me had changed since I started transitioning. I mean this in a emotional and mental sense and not a physical sense.

As you can see the physical side of me has changed dramatically. But as for the mental side I hadn’t really given it much thought I mean I was always quite an effeminate boy generally speaking, that’s not to say I didn’t do guy things but more along the lines of the fact I would more often than not be found playing with the girls, spending a lot of time talking to female friends in high school, or avoiding the more masculine games such as football or general roughness that most guys tend to get involved in.

After starting hormones I found that a lot of the emotional side that I had before seemed to become amplified, I am generally quite a controlled person but after being on hormones even only after a few months I started to notice that I was less in control of my moods than I was before, and tears seem to flow a lot easier than they had previously. To begin with I put this down to being overly emotionally attached to the fact that I had finally started hormones and my journey towards correcting the wrongs of my birth were finally starting to be righted. But after about 6 months I began to realise that this was all apart of my body changing and the new me was a lot more in touch with my inner self, it’s quite funny when you start out down the transition path you seldom realise how much of a toll hormones will take on ones body, its not until you are well down the path that you begin to see the effects that the hormones really have asides from the outwardly obvious boobs and soft skin.

At the beginning of my journey it was not uncommon to find me lusting over some girl or admiring her beautiful body as I gazed up and down her curves with longing jealousy. It now seems almost a life time ago that I would have these feelings take over me and fill me with such relish and discomfort. I find it almost bewildering to imagine that once I wanted nothing more than to have a naked girl lying next to me in bed while I coursed my hands over her silky skin and supple breasts. The thought of this now almost seems wrong or at least taboo, I wonder to myself what rewiring in the brain must have gone on because of the oestrogen coursing through my veins all these years. Can a lack of testosterone in ones body really have this vast effect on my mind, body and soul?

I think back to the first 6 or so months of hormones and I realised that during this time my sex drive went from that of a horny straight 16year old boy, to very much non existent for at least the first 1 and a half years of HRT.

I recall waking up one day mid-ish 2003 and feeling the overwhelming need for sexual release, after trying for quite some time I had what I consider to be my first orgasm as a women the tingling of my skin and muscles all over my body was such an earth shaking experience and lasted for well over a minute, I was indeed please and relieved to be finally able to express my desires as a women.

Intriguingly over the coming years I became more and more attracted to men, as I mentioned before my sexual preference was always women previously in fact I actually found the thought of being with a man repulsive and terrifying but this all changed. I still haven’t been able to pin point the period when everything reversed but all I know is that the feeling I get from being in a man’s arm is so different than with a women, whether its the feeling of being safe or the fact that they make me feel small I am not sure but I went from being weirded out about talking guys with my girlfriends to wanting too or needing too.

My mum still is uneasy about the change, I am not sure if this is because she worries for my safety or if she just sees this as another nail in the coffin on her previously son’s journey to womanhood. As I write this I feel sadden knowing that no matter how hard I try or how much I look and feel like a woman there will always be aspects of my life that I am still seen as a man, my mother for instance I love her to death but she struggles to let go of my past and see me for me, its not to hard on me because I know that she just wants the best for me and she knew from the start that this isn’t an easy lifestyle choice if you can call it that at all…

I guess the hardest part is where I have come from I will always feel as though I missed out on a lot of what I was entitled to as a little girl, such as primary school and the like. Plus I know that no matter how much surgery I have and how many drugs I take I will never know what its like to be pregnant or give birth…

I will leave it there before I get to emotional and bore you all to death.

Please comment me know if you would like to hear more or want to know about stuff I haven’t yet got into

Avatar

Well tonight I saw Avatar and I have to say that it is by far the best movie I saw this year. Well done to James Cameron on his amazing stereoscopic world. I was lucky enough to see it at a cinema with a Sony 4K project at full 140 frames per second, unfortunately it cost an arm and a leg at $35 a ticket but after seeing the fantastic graphics and brilliant story it was well worth the cash.

If you haven’t seen it yet it is surely a movie you should see in the cinemas in full 3D.